Being Human (Or Trying At Least)
by DarkerStars
Summary: The Autobots want to be 'more human'. And who better to teach them then their trusted friend Sam Witwicky? And what better way to experience human culture than to go on a day out!
1. Heading Out

**(Sam's POV):**

"But why do I have to do it?" I complained to Lennox as he was making his departure. Chasing after him literally had no effect. "Why can't one of your soldiers do it? Or even better, you?"

Finally, Lennox sighed and stopped to face me. "Because you know the Autobots better than any other human. If anyone can help them do this, it's you."

"But I'm supposed to be going out with Mikaela tonight!" I protested hopefully, but the Captain didn't flinch.

"Well if you leave now you can be done in time for your date." He said plainly and left before I could argue further. With a quiet grumble I spun around and headed for the Autobots. When I got here today Lennox had popped up out of the blue and asked (well ordered) me to take the 'bots out and "help them to be more human" as he had put it. I really wasn't the right person to be doing this.

On approaching my friends I saw Bumblebee waiting, in his holoform ready to go. Optimus also was ready, along with Jazz, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. Rachet was still in his Cybertronian form in the medical bay.

"Rachet!" I yelled up to the medic, prompting him to look down at me and scowl.

"Yes?" He asked emotionlessly.

"It's time to go out, why aren't you in your holoform?" I asked, really wanting to get going so I could be done sooner.

Rachet grumbled. "I'm not coming with you."

"What? Why?" Jazz exclaimed, looks of shock all over his and the twin's faces.

"Because I have more important things to do with my time then make a fool of myself among humans." He replies grumpily. Optimus steps forward.

"Rachet, I asked Captain Lennox for this opportunity to help us all feel more at home on Earth, as well as develop a greater understanding of it's people and it's customs. We will all be attending, old friend, and I ensure you, it will be beneficial." Optimus said authoritatively, in a manner that would make anyone obey.

I mentally cursed. _Optimus asked for this?!_

Rachet sighed and transformed to vehicle mode with his holoform appearing beside him. "Fine."

Optimus nodded. "Ironhide. This doesn't exclude you."

"I'm coming! I'm coming!" Ironhide yelled while driving over in vehicle form, his holoform waving stiffly from the driver's seat. Now everyone was assembled, and they all turned to look at me.

 _Crap._

"So Sam, what's on the activities list?" Sunstreaker asked, and I had absolutely no ideas.


	2. Goldfish and Bumpercars

The Autobots drove in formation down the motorway, Optimus leading us usual, and because I was the 'guide' I rode with him (much to Bee's annoyance). Rachet was at the back, still annoyed, with Ironhide a little in front. Jazz, Bee, Sunny and Sides rode closely behind us. I could see them smirking through Optimus' wind-mirror.

"Any ideas yet Sam?" Optimus' holoform asked from beside me, and I shrugged. Currently we were just driving and I was looking for inspiration. Suddenly, Sunstreaker overtook me and Prime and made a sharp turn left, towards a field full of lights. Bumblebee and Sideswipe followed quickly.

"What is it, Sam?" Prime asked as he turned to follow. I couldn't tell until we got close to the gates.

"It's a carnival." I realised finally. Optimus pulled up and we both jumped out. Bee ran up to me excitedly and pulled me towards the gates where the twins were waiting. Ironhide and Rachet eventually joined us and trudged over.

"What is it?" Ironhide asked curiosly, everyone staring in with awe. It was kinda sweet.

"It's called a carnival." I explained. "It's a sort of... party or celebration."

"It looks distasteful." Rachet mumbles.

"It looks awesome!" Bee blurted out and charged towards the ticket booth. Jazz smirked and went with him.

"Hey Bee wait up!" I called an gestured for the other 'bots to follow. Thankfully, they were a little more calm. I paid for entry with the money Lennox had given me and I handed everyone a wristband. They all looked at them in confusion. Jazz even nibbled his.

"No you don't eat them!" I said quickly and slipped mine onto my wrist then held my hand up. "They go on your wrist like this."

Optimus observed and slipped his wristband on with ease, smiling a little once he'd succeeded. The others copied and seemed pleased with their small 'victory'.

"Okay then, let's go." I said and lead the group through the gates. Bee trotted beside me and the twins charged ahead and vanished among the various stalls along with Jazz and Ironhide.

"Wait! We need to stay together!" Optimus yelled after them only for his words to fall on deaf ears. Bee smirked at me then raced off after the others.

"Its okay Optimus." I said to him reassuringly. "Let them go explore."

Optimus nodded hesitantly. "Alright Sam. I trust your judgement."

* * *

"Guys look at this!" Sunstreaker exclaimed while staring at the bumpercars. "You drive around and smash into each other!"

Sideswipe arrived at his brother's side. "Awesome." Bumblebee dragged Jazz over to see and grinned once he saw the ride. Within minutes the four were situated in their own cars, which by coincidence matched their unique Autobot colour schemes.

Sides was first to move, slamming his car into Bee forcefully, causing the scout to retaliate and hit him back. Sunny came to his brother's aid and sent Bee skidding away in revenge. The twins laughed in supposed victory before Jazz sped between them and sent them both flying towards the barriers. It was Jazz and Bee vs. Sunny and Sides. And let's just say the twins didn't stand a chance.

Optimus, Ratchet and I wondererd around the stalls, looking for something that might appeal to their tastes. Rachet had scowled at pretty much everything, and I wasn't having much luck with Prime either.

Suddenly, Optimus paused to look at a hook-a-duck stall. His electric blue eyes started at the floating plastic ducks curiosity.

Finally. Something he liked.

"Wanna try it?" I asked hopefully. Optimus looked at me and nodded. I picked up a hook and handed one to him, then offered one to Rachet. He took it with a sigh and stood by the barrier.

"Er... Sam?" Optimus began awkwardly. "What do we do?"

I pointed to the other side of the stall, where a little girl was trying to hook a pink duck. "Use the hook to catch a duck."

"Why would we want to hook a lifeless piece of plastic?" Rachet said, obviously unimpressed.

"Because you win a prize!" I explained, trying my best to make it sound appealing. Deciding to show them, I took a hook and caught a duck. For my prize I got a little white Teddy bear that I thought Mikaela would like.

Optimus and Rachet watched me then both began pursuing the floating ducks. Optimus seemed to master it fairly quickly as within moments he'd caught one of the largest ducks. Rachet however, wasn't as good and only caught a small one. The stall attendant awarded Rachet a blue plastic sword with red edges. Optimus however, was handed a small plastic bag with a goldfish swimming around inside.

"Humans distribute captive animals as prizes?" Prime said in concern while watching the fish swim. Rachet looked at the sword in disappointment, which Optimus of course noticed.

"Rachet, old friend." He began, making the medic face him. He held out the bag to Rachet and smiled. "I think you would appreciate this more than I."

Rachet blinked in surprise at Optimus' gesture and carefully took the bag into his hands. "Thank you, Optimus." Rachet then offered Prime his sword. "I think this would benefit you more."

Optimus smiled softly and took the sword while Rachet admired his new pet. I didn't notice that I was smiling widely at each 'bots gesture.

"So, what are you gonna call him?" I asked Rachet. The medic stared into the bag and looked back at me.

"Based on the fish's biology - I shall name him something inspired by it." Rachet said, now a lot more cheerful. "I shall name him... Finn."

I burst out laughing. "Finn the Fish?! Nice."

Optimus nodded and looked into the bag warmly. "Welcome to the Autobots, Finn the Fish."


	3. Paintball Tournament

After over half an hour of crashing into each other, Jazz, Sideswipe, Sunstreaker and Bumblebee finally forced themselves from the bumper cars and headed back into the stalls.

"So... What now?" Jazz asked aloud while they walked. Before anyone could answer, Ironhide surprised them from behind, making Bee screech.

"Ironhide! What the hell?" Sunstreaker yelled and shoved him back. The 'bot in question smirked happily.

"Come with me." He said mischievously and wandered off back the way he came. Jazz looked at the other three for confirmation then followed. After wading through the stalls Ironhide stopped in front of a paintball arena. Jazz, Bee and the twins stopped next to him and looked at the proposed activity.

"Guns?" Bumblebee deduced once shots began echoing from behind the wire fences that formed the battlefield.

"You betcha." Ironhide said while grinning. No words were needed to agree that they were going in. They had to have help putting on the bulletproof vests as they'd never used them before. All were way too eager to pick up their guns.

As there was an odd number the five agreed to do singles. Once the siren sounded the 'bots raced into the arena and ducked for cover once the firing started. Ironhide was in his element, being a weapons expert. Bee was enjoying himself, but Jazz was getting battered.

"You feeling lucky Jazz?" Ironhide asked maliciously after sneaking up behind him and holding the gun's nose to the back of his holoform's head.

"Always." Jazz replied cockily, then jumped behind a barrel and opened fire on Ironhide. He of course, retaliated with twice the firepower.

"Take this 'Hide!" Sideswipe yelled and ran out into the open to get a better shot. Some shots came close, but Ironhide only needed one good shot to send Sides crashing to the ground, blue paint staining his vest.

"Sides!" Sunstreaker screamed in rage and fired harder. Jazz took the help and kept shooting. Bumblebee didn't side with anyone and tried to shoot both teams, not succeeding.

"You're going down 'Hide!" Jazz yelled and kept shooting.

"In your dreams, punk." Ironhide replied sadistically.

* * *

Optimus, I, Rachet and... Finn were walking (and being carried) around looking for the other Autobots. Optimus had acquired a holster for his sword, which was now strapped to his waist, and seemed quite smug about it. Rachet was clutching Finn's bag close to his chest protectively. At this point I was pretty sure if anyone messed with that fish he'd dismember them.

"Where could they be?" I asked aloud. Rachet shrugged while Optimus looked towards the paintball arena as shots and yells echoed from within. I followed his gaze and nodded. "Oh.."

"Where else would they be?" Prime said while approaching. "Especially Ironhide."

"That's my name!" The 'bot in question called ahead as he strolled out of the arena, not a speck of paint on him. We all heard groans as Bee, Jazz, Sunny and Sides emerged, all covered in blue paint.

"By the All-Spark! What happened to you all?" Optimus asked while I chuckled slightly.

Before anyone could react, Sunny caught sight of Rachet and raced over, pointing at his chest frantically. "Doc I'm bleeding Energon!"

Rachet panicked and held Finn away from him. "Do not hurt my fish. And it's not Energon!"

"Huh?" Sunny mumbled in confusion. Still laughing I wiped some of the blue with my finger.

"It's paint." I said plainly, making Bee and Sides laugh.

"You dumbass." Ironhide said between hysterical laughs.

Sunstreaker glared and tackled him, with Sideswipe joining in without hesitation. Optimus sighed and pulled the twins off his weapons expert. "Enough."

 _Time to go._ I thought.

"So... What do you guys want to do now?" I asked desperately.


	4. Olive Garden

"Not fast food!" Rachet yelled through the Autobot's radio, causing the others to groan. "It is unhealthy and repulsive."

"Aww come on Doc!" Jazz whined in retaliation.

"Don't call me 'Doc'!" Rachet growled.

Sighing, I looked out of Optimus' window and watched the road fly past as we sped along. After we'd left the carnival Bee suggested that we go for something to eat (after Bee, Jazz and the twins had cleaned themselves up of course). Rachet somehow engineered the holoforms to be able to taste and consume food, which excited the others.

Unfortunately, Rachet insisted that the Autobot's first meal not be fast food. For a hour, all we passed were KFCs, Burger Kings and Wendy's. The medic refused to eat at any of them, but as we entered Jasper, Nevada I could see an Olive Garden coming up.

Perfect.

Relieved, I turned on Optimus' radio so I could speak to all the 'bots. "Guys, that restaurant on coming up is good. And Rachet, it's not fast food."

Everyone responded positively, even Rachet. And soon we'd pulled up outside and headed inside. But we had to stop Rachet first, who thought it was a good idea to bring Finn the Fish along for lunch.

"Rachet, you can't bring the fish." I told him gently.

"But Finn requires sustenance." He argued. Optimus gently took the bag containing the fish and placed him on Ratchet's alt-form's passenger seat. Rachet whined but still accompanied us all inside.

As soon as we passed through the doors, happy and curious expressions lit up the Autobot's faces. The smell of good food warmed the atmosphere and made everyone feel peaceful.

A waitress approached the us with a friendly smile and lead us to a table. Once seated I picked up my menu and flicked through the pages. Looking up I saw the 'bots doing the same.

"What do we get Sam?" Bumblebee asked unsurely, Ironhide seemingly in a similar predicament.

"Anything." I replied with small smile. "I think I'll have a burger."

Minutes later the waitress returned to take our orders. I ordered mine and looked to my friends. Optimus decided to go first:

"I'd like a steak please. Well done." Ironhide ordered the same.

"Chicken Teriyaki with salad." Rachet requested next.

"Chicken wings and fries." Sunstreaker and Sideswipe both ordered, much to Ratchet's annoyance.

"Lamb curry." Jazz said afterwards.

Finally, Bee settled on a cheese pizza and the waitress brought us all cokes. Rachet took one sip of his and pushed the glass away, instead drinking the complementary water provided.

"It ain't that bad Rach." Bumblebee said between generous sips. Optimus chuckled.

"So.." I began awkwardly, thinking of a conversation topic. "How are you guys?"

"Same as always." Jazz answers plainly. "Defending the world against Decepticons."

"Jazz!" Rachet hissed urgently. "We mustn't talk about such things in public."

"Sorry.." Jazz mumbles.

"Anyway.." I say quickly before anyone else can say something they'll regret. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw the waitress returning with plates. "Oh look food's here!"

The waitress set our meals down in front of us and left us to it. Being me, I dug in straight away. Damn that burger was good.

Bee started munching his pizza immediately, the cheese hanging from his mouth with every mouthful. Sunny took a small bite of chicken, and smirked at the taste. He and Sides ate happily. Optimus sliced his steak into chunks and ate respectfully, but you could tell he was enjoying it. Rachet mixed his teriyaki into his salad and took small but savoury mouthfuls. Ironhide wolfed down his steak with minimal effort. And Jazz.. well.. didn't realise curry is spicy.

"OH PRIMUS!" He exclaimed and drank the remainder of coke quickly, some going down his shirt. "IT'S HOT!" He panted heavily and Bee chuckled, offering him some of his pizza. Jazz took a slice and ate it gratefully. "Thanks Bee."

After we'd finished our plates were cleared and we headed for the doors. I stopped to pay while the Autobots looked at the posters strewn around the exit. One particular advert caught Jazz's attention.

"Sam.." He began curiously and I turned to him. "What's a 'Linkin Park'?"

"What?" I asked, confused, and Jazz pointed to the poster. "Oh! It's _the_ Linkin Park! They're a rock band."

"Ooh!" Bee exclaimed and looked over the poster. "They're appearing live tonight!"

"Guys let's go!" Jazz said excitedly to the others. Bee grinned and nodded frantically.

Optimus looked at me with a frown. "Would that be a wise idea Sam?"

At this point I really didn't think it was.


	5. Rock Concert

"Guys are you sure you wanna go in?" I asked for the fifth time as myself and the 'bots approached the concert. Jazz and Bee had literally jumped back into their vehicle forms and took off for the show, not leaving any room for argument. Optimus didn't have the heart to refuse them, neither did I really.

"Yes Sam!" Jazz replied as we went in.

"This is gonna be totally rad!" Sides said happily and fist-bumped with his brother. Once we got into the arena (which was in a field) we were swamped with rockers.

"Cool." Bee said in awe of the concert-goer's style.

"Everyone, stay together this time." Optimus ordered, but hadn't noticed that Ironhide and the twins had already gone. Prime grumbled. "Why do they never listen?!"

Rachet shrugged. Thankfully he'd left his goldfish behind this time.

Elsewhere in the arena, Sideswipe had discovered the stalls selling merchandise. He and Sides both (somehow) purchased Linkin Park t-shirts and leather jackets, which they loved. Ironhide however, accidentally wondered over to the tattoo stall...

* * *

By the time the show started the twins and Ironhide had found their way back. Bee was so envious of Side's shirt. So much that I had to promise him I'd buy him one after that band had played.

The lights dimmed, and Linkin Park came onstage. Chester greeted the crowd, promoting Bee and Jazz to wave, while Sunny and Sides yelled like fangirls. Optimus and Rachet stared at the stage in anticipation.

The band started of with 'Breaking the Habit'. Jazz loved it and jumped with the crowd. Bee cheered and Optimus smiled. Next was 'Iridescent'. Rachet didn't like it, but Optimus seemed to appreciate the rythem.

When 'In The End' played, Ironhide joined Bee in cheering and whooping. The only song Rachet enjoyed was next: 'Leave It All Out To Rest'. He watched Chester sing, almost mesmerised. 'New Divide' got even Optimus cheering and Rachet smiling. I quite enjoyed it myself.

The band did another few songs before their grand finale 'What I've Done.' As soon as the cool piano started I knew the 'bots would like it. Bee knew it because he sometimes played it through the radio, and he sang every word. Jazz went crazy at the guitar bridge, and the twins danced and cheered. When Chester told us to jump, we did.

Even Rachet.

We all clapped at the end and waved as the band left the stage. Smirking, I turned to see my friends grinning like maniacs. But it was good.

"So... what did you think?" I asked.

Optimus smiled. "A memorable experience Sam. Thank you."

"IT WAS AWESOME!" Bee screeched ecstatically. The twins nodded frantically. "Can we come again?!"

"Rachet?" I asked hopefully. The medic was smiling:

"Tolerable."

"We know you enjoyed it really, Doc." Jazz said teasingly. Rachet didn't retaliate.

Suddenly I felt Bee poking my shoulder. Sighing jokingly, I handed him the money for his t-shirt. "Anyone else want anything?"

Optimus shook his head, as did Ironhide. "No thanks." He said and removed his jacket, revealing his arm. On it was a tattoo of the Autobot symbol with "Ironhide" inscribed beneath it in chunky letters. Optimus was wide eyed, and Rachet looked like he was about to blow:

"IRONHIDE! WHAT IN PRIMUS' NAME HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR HOLOFORM?!"

* * *

 _And that's how the day ended. We headed back to base in a happy mood, not any bad feelings left. Rachet let Ironhide off and tasked himself with building a suitable aquarium for his fish. The twins bought every Linkin Park CD available and play them all the time. Jazz now knows when the 'bots order takeout NOT to order curry._

 _And Optimus was happy and content knowing everyone was happy. Even him._

 _THE END._


End file.
